Lonely vs. Alone

An Assembling God’s Puzzle video

By Fr. Garry Richmeier, C.PP.S.

Loneliness is a part of the puzzle of life that we would rather not have to deal with. But it is probably as unavoidable as physical pain, or any other unpleasant experience in life. So it helps to find ways to deal with loneliness when we run into it.

One thing that is important to understand is the difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Having time alone, or having one’s own space is necessary for mental health. We need time away from others to simply be with our own thoughts, feelings, activities, etc. Some people tend to be quieter and more introverted, like me. They feel comfortable with more time alone, and can feel over loaded if they are constantly around other people. They need more time alone to “decompress” from an abundance of social activity. This is not loneliness, although it may appear that way to others.

Other people have less need for alone time. They enjoy being with others almost all the time, and feel energized by a lot of social interaction. But even these extroverts need some time just for themselves. When they do take this time, others may notice the change and worry that their friend is lonely. But that is not necessarily the case. Having time alone does not equate to loneliness, no matter the person’s personality.

Loneliness is not really a matter of behavior, like choosing to be alone or with others. Loneliness is a matter of perception. It has to do with a person’s perception of whether or not they have a connection with others. That connection doesn’t have to be a physical connection, as in being in the same room with another. It can be a perceived emotional, relational, spiritual, or even cosmic/universal connection with another/others.

For example, many of us have had the experience of feeling lonely in a room full of people because we don’t know anybody, or we feel we don’t fit in, or for some other reason. Being around people doesn’t guarantee we can avoid loneliness. On the other hand, a person can be alone, miles from anyone else, and not feel lonely because they feel the care of a loved one, or they feel included in God’s family with everyone else. This perceived connection with others tends to prevent loneliness.

Feeling lonely at times is unavoidable, but there are some ways to help make it less severe and unpleasant. The first thing is to work on being connected with one’s self. It is difficult to feel connected with others when I’m not connected with myself. This has to do with self-image (loving one’s self), being congruent and genuine, and having a sense of being connected to something greater than one’s self (humility). The number one cause of loneliness is believing that I’m not worthy or important enough that others would want to be around me, so I stay disconnected from others. Or I spend all my time and energy trying to make myself important and worthwhile so that others will like me, and never get around to actually connecting with others in meaningful ways. Genuine connection with others requires a genuine connection with self first.

Loneliness is not really a matter of behavior … Loneliness is a matter of perception. It has to do with a person’s perception of whether or not they have a connection with others.

There are numbers of ways to find connection with others when we want. It helps to connect with others in many different ways, in many types of relationships. For example, I can have a sports-watching buddy that I can call on when Royals are playing baseball, or a friend that is interested in the same hobby I am.  And I can have some casual, life-sharing conversations with a coworker during breaks in the work day. I can keep in contact with old school mates I’ve known for many years. I can continue to work on growing closer to my significant other. I can work with a therapist on difficult issues I’m encountering in life. If I have numbers of different kinds of relationships, loneliness becomes less likely.

The feeling of loneliness can actually be a helpful hint for me that there is some imbalance in my life at the moment, and that I need to adjust some things — like where and with whom I’m spending my time and energy, and how I’m looking at myself in the whole scheme of things. If one can look at loneliness in this way, it becomes less of a burden and pain, and more of a valuable messenger, helping to guide me to greater mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

All of the videos in this series can be found here: Assembly God’s Puzzle.

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[Fr. Garry Richmeier, a Precious Blood priest and spiritual director, holds a Master’s of Divinity Degree from St John’s University in Collegeville, Minnesota, and a Master’s of Counseling Psychology degree from the University of Missouri-Kansas City. He is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist.]

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