The Secret to Stressless Holiday Family Gatherings

By Lucia Ferrara

Are the holidays stressful for you? Do you have relatives who are difficult to deal with? I can reassure you that all of us experience this at one time or another. Dealing with it is another story.

Getting along during the holiday season can be incredibly challenging for us. Especially those of us who are hosting. There is so much to do: planning the dinner and activities, shopping, budgeting and decorating the house.

Oh my goodness, I am stressed just thinking about it now!

I still get overwhelmed with holiday family gatherings. But one thing I have learned is that it is especially important to manage my expectations of myself and other family members. This is not an easy task. “Keeping the peace” is something that never works for me because I am always the one trying to keep it all together, resulting in exhaustion both physically and mentally.

Through the years I have learned to set realistic goals during family holiday gatherings. Every year since my father died in 2007, I have hosted Thanksgiving at my house for my side of the family. When the kids were little, they would spend weeks anticipating the arrival of their aunt, uncle and cousin from Oklahoma. This was the only time we would see each other during the year. Everyone’s schedule and budget were tight, so it made it difficult to get together more often.

Thanksgiving weekend was always filled with baking, cooking, cleaning, decorating and activities to keep both the adults and kids entertained. Once the weekend was over, we all were exhausted and sad that everything has ended until the next Thanksgiving. If we were lucky, we may have gone for a weekend during the summer to Oklahoma to visit them.

Setting realistic expectations is the key. Let me share with you a few things I have learned through the years.

Schedule time for yourself before and after the guests arrive. You need time to decompress and take time to recharge your body, mind, and spirit. Holidays can take a toll on all three.

Setting boundaries has been a big one for me and the hardest. Some family members like to provoke or instigate conversations that you either do not agree with or bring up past resentments just to get a reaction out of you.

The best thing to do is take a deep breath and count to five, pause, breath, reflect and then respond. If this does not work, then step away into another room and repeat it until you feel better and cool off.

Stephan Shapiro, a physician at Scripp Coastal Medical Center Carlsbad offers this advice: “Try to focus on the positive qualities of family members before gatherings, not the negatives.” The only thing I can do is control my own attitude, thoughts, and reactions to people.

I want to leave you with these thoughts: In all that you do this holiday season with your family and friends, practice kindness, be in prayer, and have gratitude and love.

All the articles in the Family Matters series are available here.

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[Lucia Ferrara is the Director of Hospitality at Precious Blood Renewal Center and the lead organizer here of Parent Cafes. Share your thoughts with Lucia or ask her questions by using the form below or sending an email to info@pbrenewalcenter.org. Read more about the Parent Café here.]

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An “Assembling God’s Puzzle” video by Fr. Garry Richmeier.