Knowing your ‘love language’ key to healthy relationships

By Lucia Ferrara

In his book The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman writes, “How do we meet each other’s deep emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated.”

Are you asking yourself what are these “5 love languages” Chapman is talking about? Chapman says that each person in a relationship shows love differently and sometimes it takes a long time to discover each other’s love languages. The 5 Love Languages according to Chapman are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.

I encourage you to read his book and put into practice what he teaches about the distinct languages we all use to express love in our relationships.

Early in my marriage neither my husband nor I knew what our love languages were. We had never heard of such a thing! Most of us go through life exhibiting these concepts, not realizing how important it is to be intentional in understanding these languages. They can enhance communication, strengthen bonds and connections.

Let me briefly describe each love language

1. Words of Affirmation is using words to affirm the other verbally, acknowledging efforts, or just saying “I love you” for no reason other than just that.
2. Acts of Service are actions that express love, for example cleaning the dishes without asking or cooking a meal.
3. Receiving Gifts focuses on the thoughtfulness behind the gift, like bringing a bouquet of flowers home to your wife or getting your husband a small tool he has been wanting but has not gotten around to getting for himself.
4. Quality Time means giving your undivided attention to each other without distractions. Planning a date night is a popular idea and can be fun to plan.
5. Physical Touch, even the smallest touch, can be meaningful. Holding hands or giving a hug for no reason or intention will make your partner feel loved.

As years have gone by, I have learned that my love language is Words of Affirmation. I believe that the reason I yearn for words of affirmation is because I grew up in a house where that was not practiced. Giving me encouragement or verbal expressions of love is key to “filling up my love tank.” My husband, on the other hand, his love language is Physical Touch. His “love tank” is filled when he feels secure and loved by a simple kiss goodnight or holding hands while taking a walk.

Discovering your partners’ love language is important but discovering your own is just as essential. Remember we all speak different love languages. The difference between your love language and your spouse’s love language may be as different as German from English. No matter how hard you try to express your love in English, if your spouse only understands German, your expressions of love my not be understood or misinterpreted.

To communicate effectively and be connected to one another you will need to learn your partners’ primary love language; and your partner needs to know yours. You might say the goal is to become multilingual in your relationship’s love languages.

I encourage all of you to focus not only on your own love language but your partners as well. We all crave a tank full of love. It is essential to our emotional health. The quality of your marriage depends on it.

Editor’s Note: Lucia and her husband Michael are leading a book study for couples using Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. Visit our events page for details.

All the articles in the Family Matters series are available here.

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[Lucia Ferrara is the Director of Hospitality at Precious Blood Renewal Center and the lead organizer here of Parent Cafes. Share your thoughts with Lucia or ask her questions by using the form below or sending an email to info@pbrenewalcenter.org. Read more about the Parent Café here.]

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