Do You Hear What I Hear?

An Assembling God’s Puzzle video

By Fr. Garry Richmeier, C.PP.S.

We all know we live in a deeply polarized world today. And that polarization is endangering our very existence, since it prevents us from living together peacefully. It seems that many of us have come to the conclusion that getting rid of people who believe differently is the only answer. But that is a recipe for nonstop conflict, violence, and war, which doesn’t seem like a very good answer to me. Polarization is a very big piece of the puzzle of life that we are struggling with at this point in our history, and it would make our lives much better to figure out a way to situate it so it doesn’t cause as many problems.

One step toward this end would be to cultivate a greater understanding and appreciation for the idea of relativity in human behavior. As I said in a previous video, we humans tend to think in black and white terms, which is a way of thinking that underlies polarization. If that way of thinking could be tweaked a little bit (or a lot), it would probably lessen the amount of polarization, and allow us to work and live together better. Thinking of things a little more in relative terms could be helpful in this regard.

I once heard relativity explained with a great example. Imagine three people on the same street, each a block away from each other. A firetruck comes down the street with siren blaring. As it passes the first person, that person hears the siren tone change and get lower. The next person, who the firetruck is now passing, hears a higher tone. The third person, whom the firetruck is yet approaching, hears an even higher tone. And if each person happened to have a machine that identified tone, the machines would also register different tones at the same time. So the question is, what is the true (correct) tone of the siren? The answer is — it depends. The tone is relative, depending on all the different factors in the situation.

The legal system deals with relativity all the time. If someone is being prosecuted for causing some harm to another, a guilty verdict will depend on a number of relative factors, like the person’s intention, whether or not they were intoxicated, whether it was an accident, etc.

It is pretty unrealistic to believe that what I perceive (hear, see, touch, taste, smell) is the same as you. Or that my judgment and assessment of a certain situation is automatically the way you see it. A person who has been attacked by a dog will understandably be more careful about petting a strange dog than will a person who has had only good experiences with dogs. Our life experiences, along with our different physical attributes and abilities, create differences among us. That is neither good or bad, it is just reality. Polarization rears its ugly head when we ascribe evil intent to someone who thinks or behaves differently than me.

In human relations, it is helpful to keep in mind that differences are normal, and may not be the other person’s way of being belligerent, stubborn, hateful, etc. I’ve found a useful practice that helps me keep this in mind. I will come up with five different reasons someone might behave or think differently than I in a given situation. That helps me get used to not automatically jumping to the first negative reason I that comes to mind. It is also useful to practice imagining what positive goal a person might have for their “different” behavior. It is also important to cultivate one’s own belief that underneath the many seeming differences in thinking and behaving, we humans are all looking for the same things – respect, knowing we are valued, connection, safety, and love.

Not everything is relative of course. There are values and behaviors that are obviously better than others. To be a viable society, we need to live within, and enforce, certain parameters and restrictions. But it can help us avoid some conflicts to remember that in the realm of human perception, thinking, and experience, many things are relative. Remembering that may help us to give each other a break sometimes, and not just write each other off automatically.

All of the videos in this series can be found here: Assembly God’s Puzzle.

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[Fr. Garry Richmeier, a Precious Blood priest and spiritual director, holds a Master’s of Divinity Degree from St John’s University in Collegeville, Minnesota, and a Master’s of Counseling Psychology degree from the University of Missouri-Kansas City. He is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist.]

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